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The daytime talkshow audience grows cruel, but Kori's mother, digging in, roots worse during commercial break. Her usual nettling against the dirty, the perverse,now blossoms into one perennial curse;...

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Re: rewrite

Hi Mike...I'm short on time, but had to check this out. I reckon I need to read the series to get the gist...which doesn't really come thru here.I'd follow the flow better if you didn't break the...

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Re: rewrite

Like Sue, I feel like I'm at a disadvantage looking at this apart from the others. The second quatrain focuses on the mother's anger, and I don't pick up the motivation of the anger in this sonnet. I...

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Re: rewrite

Thanks, guys. It was unavoidable, I suppose, for the same old questions to come up with this. From the outset, it's been difficult to workshop something so large. If you got all of it at once, you...

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Re: rewrite

Mike, re the vegetative metaphor - it works, but you are right in thinking that it may be a little overdone. It's clever, and leaves plenty of room to play around with the many metaphorical...

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Re: rewrite

"I don't say that one blossom makes a garden. I say that nettling becomes a curse; then I say that cultivation seeds a garden. Two connected, but distinct, ideas, no?"I'm not sure it's a good idea to...

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Re: rewrite

Hi Mike,Not much I can add because this is really good. I do have a thought about the last line. Something like...the girl will proudly flaunt her right to chooseThe word 'jealous' threw me off a...

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Re: rewrite

Mike...I feel your vegatative metaphor works appropriately.I'm fine with the slant rhymes but had to go back to recoginze that you are intending curse/predators and days/eyes as rhyme pairs. That's a...

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Re: rewrite

The daytime talkshow audience grows cruel, but Kori's mother, digging in, roots worse during commercial break. Her usual nettling against the dirty, the perverse,now blossoms into one perennial curse;...

View Article


Re: rewrite

I don't want to bounce this back to the top, but I do want to thank the people who've commented & questioned. Just a few quick answers... You're not going to see each of the parts of the crown...

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Re: rewrite

Hi Mike,I wondered if there was some way of preserving the sense of 'jealous' you were after without completely re-writing the entire line?Something along the lines of:'the girl guards jealously her...

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